Humorous News 07-19-08

Humorous News 07-19-08
AIMED AT YOUR FUNNY BONE

TOP QUOTES OF THE WEEK

Jesse Jackson said on Fox News Sunday that he wanted to cut off Barack Obama's testicles. Now he thinks of it. If our last two presidents had had this done we never would have gone to war in Iraq and Bill Clinton would have retired with his dignity intact. (Argus Hamilton)

It was so hot (in New York) Madonna called A-Rod's wife just to get the cold shoulder. (Jay Leno)

Dan Uggla struck out 3 times, grounded into a rally-killing double play and committed a record three errors. The headline on the game should have been, THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGGLA." (Randy Youngman)

The White House has rejected a plan to regulate greenhouse gases, saying it could cripple the U.S. economy. And if there is anything the Bush administration knows about, it's crippling the economy. (Jim Barach)

If Obama reverses any more positions and moves any farther to the right, he'll be invited to deliver the keynote address at the Republican convention. (Scott Witt)

Cuba announced it will send a rowing team to the Olympics. They started training last month and haven't been seen since. (Conan O'Brien)

Barack Obama and a kangaroo pull up to a gas station. The gas station attendant takes one look at the kangaroo and says, "You know, we don't get many kangaroos here." Barack Obama replies, "At these prices, I'm not surprised. That's why we need to reduce our dependence on foreign oil." (Andy Borowitz)

Barack Obama told a town hall meeting in Georgia Wednesday that parents need to make sure their kids are able to speak Spanish. So that's his economic policy. He is going to have Americans pose as illegal immigrants so they can get low-paying jobs. (Argus Hamilton)

A record number of babies were born in the U.S. in 2007. Apparently, sperm banks were like any other banks in 07, carelessly giving loans to everybody (Pedro Bartes)

The SEC has sent subpoenas to 50 hedge-fund managers as it investigates charges of stock market manipulation. But the probe may be undermined by the fact that the along with each subpoena, the SEC investigators all enclosed resumes and job applications. (Jake Novak)

A record number of babies were born in the U.S. in 2007, proving that millions of Americans are paying for higher gas prices by cutting back on birth control. (Jake Novak)

A recent poll from online dating website Match.com found that Americans think that Barack Obama is a better kisser than John McCain. Unless you are a hardcore conservative, because nobody is kissing their asses better than John McCain. (Pedro Bartes)

The U.S. government is considering allowing drilling for off-shore oil Too bad the real money is in going after off-shore tax cheats. (Jake Novak)

Jesse Jackson became the third pastor to bedevil Barack Obama Sunday. He's had tiffs with a Baptist pastor, a Church of Christ pastor and a Catholic priest. Just because Barack Obama isn't a Muslim doesn't mean he can't be hounded into becoming one. (Argus Hamilton)