Funny Quotes and Sayings

Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on, or by imbeciles who really mean it. - Mark Twain

Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.- Emo Phillips

I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me. - Hunter S. Thompson

If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and the impersonators would be dead.- Johnny Carson

I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.- Jennifer Unlimited

Judge not a man by his clothes, but by his wife's clothes.- Thomas R. Dewar

I'm not going to get into a name-calling match with somebody who has a 9 percent approval rating. - Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, a Democrat, referring to Vice President Dick Cheney

The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because generally they are the same people.- Gilbert Chesterton

Only presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial "we".- Mark Twain

Life is rather like a can of sardines: we're all of us looking for the key.- Alan Bennett

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon. - Bill Hirst

Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect. - Mark Twain

Hey, the way I figure it is this: if the kids are still alive by the time my husband comes home, I've done my job.- Roseanne Arnold

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.- Socrates

Remember as far as anyone knows, we're a nice normal family. - Homer Simpson

There are terrible temptations which it requires strength and courage to yield to.- Oscar Wilde

Anyone who can only think of only one way to spell a word obviously lacks imagination.- Mark Twain

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.- Will Rogers

Anyone who is considered funny will tell you, sometimes without even your asking, that deep inside they are very serious, neurotic, introspective people.- Wendy Wasserstein

All modern men are descended from wormlike creatures, but it shows more on some people.- Will Cuppy

The most important service rendered by the press is that of educating people to approach printed matter with distrust. - Samuel Butler

The only way of catching a train I ever discovered is to miss the train before. - Gilbert Chesterton

The profoundly humorous writers are humorous because they are responsive to the hopeless, uncouth, concatenations of life.- V.S. Pritchett