Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Boy is it hot in here; Side effects of the Heat Wave

30 Side Effects of the Heat Wave...

30. Your uncontrollable sweating gets you a job with the National Park Service as a deer salt lick.

29. You and your wife hydroplane off each other every time you try to have sex.

28. For the first time since you said, "I do," your wife is as hot as she was on that first date at the drive-in.

27. New York Mets attendance up 75 percent due to the cool breeze generated by their swinging bats.

26. Dozens of people nationwide briefly consider moving to North Dakota.

25. It's now okay for hairy-backed, portly middle-aged men to wear Speedos at the beach. Just kidding! It'll *never* be that hot.

24. Mrs. Spears-Federline trades in her usual demure attire for something skimpier.

23. People become so dehydrated and delirious they think Chevy Chase is still funny.

22. That week-old Big Mac under the driver's seat is actually warmer than it was when you bought it.

21. Dennis Rader set free if he promises to B, T and K anyone who asks, "Is it hot enough for ya?"

20. According to a White House spokesman, it's the sole cause of the profuse sweating on Karl Rove's forehead.

19. New York sewers start to smell like alligator stew.

18. Higher ambient temperatures make for improved combustion characteristics in rectal-thrust experiments. In layman's terms, fireballs from lit farts are bigger.

17 Satan quickly organizes a Pink Floyd reunion to cool down a sweltering Hell.

16. The ice cream man is suddenly dripping with bling.

15. New feminine-hygiene products with baking soda cause women with yeast infections to sprout embarrassing, spontaneous crotch-muffins.

14. Instead of vowing to return to the moon, NASA vows to return to the pool at the Motel 6 in Titusville, Fla.

13. Michael Jackson is immersed in liquid nitrogen to keep his face from melting.

12. Sleeper al-Qaeda cells throughout the midwest call off planned terrorist attacks because Des Moines now reminds them too much of home.

11. Birdbaths across the nation now full of avian chowder.

10. As the boss's icy exterior melts, employees use the hall outside Martha Stewart's office as a giant Slip 'n' Slide.

9. Madonna has switched to an ice cream-cone bra.

8. Bad news: Your cat's severely dehydrated. Good news: No need to buy new Swiffers this week.

7. You're making a killing on eBay selling articles of clothing with sweat stains that look like the Sea of Galilee.

6. Corn spontaneously starts popping -- even the undigested kernels you ate yesterday.

5. White House staffers keep cool by passing around a towel containing Karl Rove's heart.

4. Ben Affleck gets invited to parties just so people can stand near the coolness of his career.

3. Melting silicone causes the Playboy mansion to echo with the sound of breasts slapping against knees.

2. Seventeen sweltering cheerleaders spent from practice, and only four Bomb Pops left in the cooler. Today, my friend, is the day dropping out of college to drive an ice cream truck finally pays off.

1. Your inflatable girlfriend catches fire during re-entry.

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